The Spiral of Guilt

We had two fabulous days Sunday and Monday when Jake came home from respite care.  He was compliant, happy, cheerful, trusting, and fun to be around.  His mind was clear and he was having a great time.  Tuesday he decided to get out of his room early to "go to the bathroom" which led to waking his 6 year old sister up and playing (worst rule to break in the house).  Playing with L is the worst thing he can do because he has not been good to L and it makes her feel unsafe.
Jake had dominated L her whole life.  Before we started healing Jake he would make L do all sorts of things and threaten her if she said "no" or told on him.  He would physically hurt her and hit her.  He didn't have any regard for her safety or her decision making.  I used to think that they were both bad decision-makers, but it really was Jake dominating her.  She used to be this meek, shy, and quiet little thing.  But as school teachers would express how well she led others, and how outspoken she was.  "She's a great leader!"  I was so surprised, but when I got Jake away from L, she blossomed.  She became outgoing, fun, loud, independent, happy, carefree, and she felt safe.
When Jake "escaped" his room early Tuesday morning, L's safety was gone.  She didn't come and tell us, we had to find out on our own.  Even now, when she has been told that if she helps us with Jake by tattling on him she gets treats, she couldn't do it.  He has so much power over her, it's sad.
So Jake got room time while I figured out what to do about him.  I knew this was the end of our "paradise" at home.  When Jake feels guilty, he takes it to an insane level.  He crashes!  This day though, he didn't crash, he seemed to be alright being in his room.  He worked again, and we had a relatively good day, but things seemed just a little off.  He went to school and he wasn't his perfect self.  He played testing games with his teachers, he needed to test how much he could get away with and still be considered having "good behavior".  No one was fooled.  The teachers let me know the games he was playing and all I knew was that he wasn't comfortable with this new feeling of good and getting good.  Thursday is when we found the nuts Jake stole under his mattress in his bedroom.  That is when it all went bad.
In Jake's damaged brain, he really thought that if he stole nuts (with the shells still on them, and no nut cracker) that he would survive in his room if I had to put him in there when he wasn't being good.  When the reality is that even when he is in his room for extended periods of time I always give him his meals.  Even when he is kicking holes in my walls, and peeing out the window, and yelling how he will stop it all if I just let him out, he gets food and drinks.  He will have this behavior even if he is only in his room for an hour, by the way.  I have to wait until he is calm to let him be with the family for all of our safety. If I were to give in to all of his ranting and raving then all he learns is that if he gets bad enough then he can come out.  I teach him self mastery when he has to be calm to come out of his room.
Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all were given such boundaries?  "Sir, please pullover and don't get back on the road until you are calm and collected."
When we found the nuts in Jake's room, we knew what was coming.  Jake would beat himself up for weeks about not obeying, he would then spiral into bad behavior because, in his mind, he doesn't deserve good things anyways.  He would get worse to punish himself and no amount of restitution will make him feel better.  This is Satan's plan.  He doesn't want us to repent, grow, and move on.  He wants us to continue to beat ourselves up and stay miserable.  He wants us to not think we are not worth the forgiveness that we need to grow.  This is where Jake goes in his mind, then it's all downhill from there.  He feels unsafe, and insecure.  He feels unworthy for good things such as affection, privileges, and fun.  He displays acts of destruction, defiance, and manipulation all over again.
Although, this time it's less violent.  He is more sneaky and less trusting.  For example, every time his is doing a chore this week he starts to hold a body part as if to say, "Man, I'm working so hard my back now hurts." or "Now my knee is hurting because I'm growing"  He tries to communicate with is body language because he knows it's not real so he's just hoping we notice his "pain."   Let's be clear, I KNOW when he is faking because of the timing of his ailments.  Heavenly Father has blessed me with heightened awareness to this fake stuff.  I have also been taught by great therapists as to what to do when things just don't feel right.  This morning, Jake came our for breakfast holding his throat as if he was in the Mojave Desert and in such need of drink that he couldn't even speak.  (By the way, I give him a huge drink every meal time and in between)  He still doesn't  trust that I will do that every time, so he gives me "signals" that he is thirsty.
This is the crud that we are trying to break through.  All the manipulation, guilt, mistrust, unworthy feelings, and disobedience helps him stay sick.  We try to help him realize that he can't do that with us.  It's mostly why we keep him away from most others because they can't possibly be as trained as we are to keep Jake on a healing path.  That is why we had to pay for respite and not just send him to Grandma's.  The respite providers know how to keep him on track.  They know his manipulations, and he tactics.  This is because most of them have extensive training or have a kid like ours!
So we will ride this spiral and hope that the exquisite joy of happiness and obedience he experienced Sunday and Monday will be enough of a draw to help him pull out of it.  We will be constant, we will be the same, we will not give in.  This is how we build trust.  We don't change our rules, we give him a pass on bad behavior, we just "keep swimming".
It's hard but worth it.  I have written a lot in the past about how Jake's journey parallels our own here on Earth.  Jake didn't develop that bond and attachment to me where he could trust me as most kids do.  He has to work extra hart to learn that his parents will take care of him and that we know what is best.  Most kids trust their parents, my other three trust me.  We are here, children of God, separated not "bonded" in most cases.  We have to learn to trust Heavenly Father who we can't see, but can only fine tune our feelings and hear the promptings.  We have to learn how to trust God so that when we get a feeling that comes from Him we can act on it.  When we learn a commandment, we can follow it.  Because when we are completely obedient, we can feel the most exquisite feelings of joy, peace, and love.  We have to learn to trust that he knows what is best for us.  It's a fine parallel and although we are helping Jake learn to trust us, Jake is helping us to learn how to trust God.