Problems

So I haven't written in a while because I have been having problems being motivated.  Jake crashed last week.  It was very simple, we went to clean the church and I had an appointment so I had to leave.  During this time, my husband really wanted to get it done, so he let Jake go do jobs away from him so it would get done faster.  Problem?  With normal kids, not really.  Maybe you would get some distraction and slow work.  With Jake it totally freaked him out!  He immediately asked for gloves to work with, was told "no", so he stole some.  Logical, right?  Because he was "allowed" the opportunity to steal and talk to others, be distracted, not stay on task, and be in charge of himself, HE LOST IT!
This is why being Jake's mom is such a bummer.  I can't treat him like a normal 8 year-old.  He is more like a baby, then anything.  Would you leave your infant alone to do jobs at a church?  Would they freak out? Would they crawl into danger?  Jake felt threatened that he had no protection.  He was left to himself (or so he thought) to protect himself and be in charge which made him so afraid that we are still dealing with the fallout a week later.
Jake was basically thrown in the deep end of the pool and told to swim!  He wasn't given any real boundaries and so he felt truly unsafe.  It doesn't make sense as my husband was in the building and checked on him periodically and there was only 3 other adults in the building doing cleaning as well.  Jake just can't handle himself because he can't trust anyone.  He pushes the boundaries in every way, any chance he gets because he doesn't have a sense of security unless he is given strict limits for now.  The goal in all the therapy we are doing is to get him to the point where he has felt safe enough that he can slowly let go of his fear.  Too many people to control, too many ways to sneak or be sneaky, and too many environmental "threats" make Jake go into what we call "fear brain."  He goes into his fight or flight mode.  This is dangerous for him because it's very difficult to get him out of it.  He stays there and is scared, out of control, unreasonable, volatile, angry, destructive, and has no hope of growing or learning.
We create environments which allow him to relax and not be so scared.  We give him a room free of anything too stimulating where he can just calm down and relax.  A room full of toys, clothes, messes or things to destroy is too much for him.  If he is allowed to destroy it puts him into a shame spiral and it keeps him unstable.  If he is allowed to be with people who he can manipulate, (talk to, get stuff from, initiate a conversation, control) then he feels incredibly unsafe.  So we create a place for Jake to live with us where those things are not a problem.  We have had family and others wonder why we don't bring him around for family parties and such, and it's because we pay dearly and so does Jake.  He feels unreasonably scared and it's not fair to Jake for us to put him in that position.  We do it because we love him.
Because honestly this life sucks!  I don't get to do the things I want to.  I don't get to have Jake in school so I have the freedom to go to the store, the gym, have kids take lessons, do sports with Jake, have him enjoy going to Primary at church, and all the things that he has to miss out on for now.  I was in church yesterday and found myself sad at seeing a little girl who got baptized and Jake's old class walk by.  I was mourning the loss of a normal life for me and Jake.  I feel sad when moms talk about baseball sign-ups and soccer teams. I feel sad when I see a family that is at Disneyland or on a vacation. These are things I will not be able to do with Jake.  I still haven't fully come to the realization that this is going to be it for a really long time.  He will be crazy for years, and my life is going to be this way for a very long time.
Just today, Jake is down in his room screeching and yelling because he is just mad.  He can't be with the family in his craziness.  He needs to detox from all the stimulation, plus he knows that he is allowed to be with the family when he is respectful, and fun to be around.  (A rule for all in our family)  He lost it today because I simply asked him to do jobs and he couldn't do it without messing with his brother and sister and I could tell that he was really mad under it all.  So I told him to do jumping jacks ( a technique that helps his mind calm and work so he can feel balanced and normal).  He started trying to control by saying he long sleeve shirt would be too hot.  That is when I knew he was in "fear brain" and I had to take over and take him out of the situation to do some good "detox" in his room.
I know that I can do this, it's just hard day in and day out to have the mental fortitude to combat the constant barrage of testing and nasty behavior.  I also know that I can't do it alone.  I have tried, hard.  I can't do it without my family, friends, and most importantly the Lord.  Jesus Christ has promised to "make weak things strong" if I humble myself before Him and ask in faith for my weakness to become my strength.  I guess that is why this is the most intensive lesson in patience and humility that I could face.  I just have to choose the Lord.  It's that simple.  It's that important.  It's that possible.