Control

I haven't written in a while because there hasn't been much to say.  I did a bad thing this week, I gave in.  I said, "Okay, Jake.  Let's fight!"
I know, not the best thing.  But I have been tired of being the strong one, tired of always having to keep my cool, tired of this therapeutic parenting, tired of taking care of everyone else, tired of getting babysitters and not just any babysitters, but those who can handle things.  I have been feeling as if I am at the end of my rope.
The funny thing about all of this is that I did do some "me" time.  I went out of town with my husband and left the kids at home with my sisters.  It was so interesting to see what a real stress hangover is like.  There I was, away for the weekend and all I felt was numb.  My mind was like a static filled TV screen.  I could not enjoy the time away for almost a day and a half.  After the numb came the worry.  I worried that my sweet sisters would be harassed so badly that they would never offer their help again!  I worried about what my kids were getting away with and how I would pay for it later, and if my house would still be there when I got back.  I realized that all my worry is why I don't get away that often.  I want to know what the outcome will be.
A good friend pointed it out to me, I have control issues.  FUNNY!! I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!  That is why Jake is in my life.  He has made me face my deepest and darkest problems and fears.  I have to let it go.  I have done so much for that boy and my family that it is time to give some of that responsibility to them.  I have to let Jake make the choice to be happy or not.  I can't control his choices at this point.  He is fully capable to make good choices, be happy, have a good life, do fun things, get privileges, OR NOT.  I have to let go of the OR NOT.
Back to control.  I have to come to grips with the fact that I can't control the universe.  It's true.  I can't do it all.  I can't heal the world, I can't heal my family, all I can heal is myself and my children, (to a certain extent).  It's so hard to watch myself go into this panic about other people's problems.  I feel as if I will explode if I don't share the information I have and how it can heal their families.  I see behavior that can be directly attributed to early childhood trauma and I want to fix it with all the resources I have.  I see adults with serious problems with anger and intimacy and want to scream at them to get help and I know the way, yet I know deep down that is not my job.  I want it to be so bad, but it's not.  I see parents struggle so badly with their kids and blame it on others.  I see them riddled with guilt at their kids' behavior and know that I have the solution.  How does one see a person drowning and not throw them a life preserver?  In many of these cases they would just turn away and say, "I'm not drowning, I'm just gulping down some fresh cool water as I bob up and down and gasp for air. The waves keep crashing over me, I got this."
Jake is only a small part of my problems lately, but it's enough to throw me into a fit.  I can't do it all, but I can do some things.  I can make my home a better place.  I can control myself.  I can express myself in a healthy way.  I can point people in the right direction to healing, IF THEY ASK.  I can keep the Spirit with me.  I can take care of myself.  I can look on the bright side of things.  I can exercise and eat right.  I can love my children and give them what they need.  I can lean on my friends in times of need.  I can love and serve.  I can pray to my Heavenly Father.  I can get strength through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I can love and support my husband.  I can teach my Primary children.  I can do a few chores everyday.  I can be a good friend.  I can make my life a little brighter everyday.
I CAN DO HARD THINGS