Hello Again

I realize that I have not written in 2 months.  It's amazing how I have learned that too much RAD can really wear on a person.

I mean REALLY wear on a person.

I have had a roller coaster of a summer.  It was SOO good in June and half of July.  Jake was AMAZING. I love it when people say, "Just don't expect perfection" they have no idea how good these kids can be if they choose.  Jake was perfect!  He obeyed right away, did everything I said, was loving and caring to his siblings, said sorry, was happy, he was quick to see others needs, empathetic, helpful, and a complete joy.  He was who he is underneath all the crap that he carries around. It was amazing.

Then he couldn't do it anymore.  He caught wind that we would be going back to regular school this year.



I don't know how he knew, we just went school shopping! (I wouldn't have done it but he had grown and I hadn't bought clothes for him in over a year, and needed him there to try things on)
He started doing half jobs.  He started "forgetting" the rules.  He started doing other things when asked to do a specific chore or activity.  It all started little.  He didn't seem mad or agitated, just not perfect.

Then it got worse, each time I caught him not being perfect, he got worse.

It made my heart sink.

I didn't realize that I had let myself feel so good when he was "perfect."  I had begun to think that it was finally over.  It felt so good to have the real Jake here.  I let myself fly as high as he was!

To tell you the truth, it felt SOOO GOOOOD!  I never wanted it to end.  I was so happy to have a child who didn't need to be watched constantly, who I didn't need to constantly worry about and protect others from.  It felt so good to have a child I could trust.

Although I am grateful for that time when Jake showed me who he really was, I am also cursing that time. Curse you, perfect version of Jake!

How could you show me how life would be with a normal family who could do normal things, who could be happy, who could be productive and safe?

I cry for the loss of that life as Jake crashed this past month.

All I know is that Jake can't be at home with me forever.  He has to assimilate into society.  He CAN do it!  I have seen it.  He can be trusting, obedient, empathetic.

I have been really stressing about school this year.  Ever since Jake started to get nasty again I knew that this would be a struggle.  I was under the illusion that Jake would be fine earlier in the summer.  As school approached, I knew that wouldn't be the case.

(Sorry, my mind is a jumble of thoughts as I write, it's been too long, too much has happened)

Okay, so the way things have worked with me and the Lord this past 2 years with Jake is that I ask what to do and I usually get a clear answer.  This past 3 months I haven't been feeling that way (or at least I didn't let myself feel anything).  As I struggled with this decision about school these were my thoughts:

Me: "He has to be able to do this someday.  He needs to do it this year.  He is ready to take the next step.  He CAN do it, we have taught him well this year.  He needs to make it happen to see that he can do it. He needs to go all day by himself.  If he gets a few days, weeks, months in school he will gain confidence to relax and be that "perfect" Jake I know."

The rest of the RAD community, reason, and logic: "Too much stimulation makes these kids freak out! They can't handle change very well.  School is way to much for them to handle.  They need special ed to help them transition.  They will be a danger to others.  He needs to go back for just an hour to start.  Be there with him.  Closely monitor his schooling and what he is allowed to do and get away with."

The struggle between what I was feeling and all the information I was getting from the outside was killing me.  I couldn't decipher what was the right thing to do.  But I realize that I wasn't recognizing that the Lord WAS telling me what to do with Jake.  I was supposed to let him go to school, have faith that it's the right thing, and deal with things as they come.  The Lord had already told me that Jake could do it, if he chose.  It was all up to Jake

I hate losing my control!  (I'm so RAD ;) )

Bottom line: Jake can do it, he just needs to prove it by choosing to use all the tools we gave him this year.

Bottom line for me: Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)

The Lord knows what is best for Jake and how to help him in the best way.  I am so grateful for revelation and the scriptures.  It helps me to have a portion of peace as we go forward through this crazy life.