It's amazing how Jake's journey parallels mine. I have been trying to bring him down in the midst of this storm called elementary school. I keep telling him to calm down and relax. I want him to keep his faith strong and his fear at bay. He knows that scripture reading and prayer bring the spirit, but he doesn't want to do it. When he does he is so much better and way more calm.
The big question... Why can't I practice what I preach???
This is a very big struggle. Trying to heal a brain that is full of fear is a task that is only for the strong and fearless, so why is this my struggle to get through? I often feel as if I am not strong enough to do it. I'm the one that needs faith and healing, how can I be the one who facilitates my son's healing??
I'm not strong enough. I don't have the faith sufficient. I am not the person to do this.
These are the thoughts that I have everyday as I try to make it through all that this life throws at me. And as I let these thoughts make me feel inadequate, scared, stressed, sad, angry, alone, and without reprieve I can't help but realize how I am acting just like Jake when he is stuck. I work with Jake to help him get rid of the "false thoughts" that make him feel bad, while I believe all the negative thoughts of my own.
So, I often feel like an enormous hypocrite.
This is when I am grateful for a wonderful husband who helps me in a very loving and compassionate, yet realistic way. He listens to me, then straightens me out. I am also infinitely grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who lets me know when I am off track. I have been more stressed out in the past few weeks because I have been searching for answers every where else instead of asking in prayer what the Lord wants me to do.
"REPENT!" He says to me. "Call on me for comfort, strength, and guidance. Have faith, not fear. Study the lives of the prophets to know what to do. Keep the Spirit with you at all times. Use the Atonement for healing and the enabling power to do what I require of you."
The worst part is realizing that I am Jake in my own way. I choose to live in fear and to not trust the Lord in all things. I am RAD in my own way. I make a detach from the Lord when I choose. It's a sad reality, but that is why Jake is in my life. That is why I have many fearful and detached people in my life. It's to remind me of where I would like my relationship with the Lord to be, where my faith is, and who I want to become.
I want to become like the prophets. Trusting in the Lord, serving others, having the gift of Charity, and teaching my kids and others how to return to their Heavenly Father someday.
So here I go, I will repent. Everyday. Hourly when needed. I will become the kind of person I really want to be. Hopefully I will become much more, I hope to become what my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
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It always amazes me how alike RAD moms are. I read this and just FEEL like you are in my head!! :) I GET IT. I feel exactly the same.
ReplyDeleteHeart ya.
I'm so glad/sad to have people who get it and feel what I am feeling. I loved seeing you last weekend, sorry we couldn't talk more. Hope things are settling for you and that you find some peace sometime during the days ahead. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeletei find comfort in knowing that the way we feel about our kids is probably how heavenly father feels about the majority of his children... rad kids are extreme. but we are "all rad" to an extent, like you said. we all like things to be "our" way. we all "fight" sometimes. so i try to remember this when dealing with my kids and when having compassion on myself. this is what this life is about... learning to rely on the lord. and i spent a long time not relying on him. something i try to do is that "self care" max talks about. if i do "self care" that uplifts me spiritually rather than just something i may enjoy (blogging, tv, movies, relaxing, etc), it makes a world of difference! so for me, it's going to the temple once night a week. most days, i don't even feel like dressing up (and being 30 weeks pregnant and now wearing "support hose" for varicose veins has something to do with that), and i don't feel like leaving my house for one of the last sessions of the day. i like being at home in the evenings when my kids are in bed. but i know it helps me stay grounded and stay positive. so i do it anyway. so make sure you take care of you and try to do things that are uplifting... i've found that the uplifting part rather than the "relax" part works better for me. good luck! hang in there. and don't be so hard on yourself! we are all human!
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