I had a dream...

Last night I had a dream that I was staging a rescue of a high profile prisoner.  Everyone knew him, but he was held on bad charges and didn't belong in that harsh prison.  He was to spend his life in there if I didn't rescue him.  We had to get in disguise, hide, and scheme to get out of the prison.  Once out, we faced an entire city who knew the prisoner and could stop us at any moment.  As the dream evolved, the rescue team became me and my little family.  The prisoner was my little Jake.  Every situation was anxiety filled as I hoped Jake wouldn't blow our cover.  Every person he talked to was a danger.  Jake couldn't be trusted.  He's just a kid.  But he's a kid that would gladly sabotage our efforts and send us all to the firing squad depending on his attitude at that moment.  I had to hope and pray that he wouldn't give away our cover or let things slip about our plan to escape.  I was on pins and needles at all times.  I had to constantly reassure Jake that we were on his side and that what we were doing was saving him.  I followed him wherever people asked him to go to protect our mission.  But how can I do it without arousing suspicion?  The worry and anxiety over him was too much--so I woke up.
I didn't make this up, I really did dream this last night.  I am on a mission in my awake hours.  I feel anxiety about everything.  I have a child who is really fighting everything I am doing.  He would rather stay in a constant state of self punishment.  He can't see that we are the "good guys".  How is it possible that a child would want to sabotage a chance for a better life?  At least that is what his mind has been for that past few months.

Okay, because I haven't blogged in a while, I'll give you the latest.  I haven't written because I have come to the point where I am tired of everything being about Jake and his trauma.  I'm tired of it consuming my every thought and every minute.  I'm tired of working so hard for someone who doesn't want to be helped.  My body is damaged and I feel defeated.  Every breakthrough is followed with a crash over something completely stupid (more details to come).  So I took a break.  I have decided to let Jake make his own life.  He has all the tools to help himself, I just need to be consistent and provide that rock that he may one day want and need.  I also didn't know if anyone was reading, if anyone really cared, or if anyone needed what I had to say.


So, I'm back.  I had one request for an update because of this weekend's events.  Saturday I finally decided to take Jake back to horse therapy.  I have always found value in this.  The special horses at Hoofbeats to Healing in Palmyra Utah and Tami Tanner are wonderful.  They have a special way to pattern the brain to become more regulated and also the horses mirror the state of mind of the rider.  It was mega fun to see Jake pretend to be obedient, scoop poop, say "yes, ma-am" and be generally pleasant.  Once on the horse it was a different story.  The horse wouldn't move, wouldn't go over a bridge, wouldn't behave.  WONDROUS!!  Here was this little 4 foot nothing, 45 lb. kid trying to kick, smack, yell at, and bully a 17 hand high horse into moving.  It was hysterical.  He couldn't move the horse until he became calm, humble, and honest with himself.  It's because the horses feel your spirit.  They know what you are bringing in your attitude, they don't care about your words.  So when Jake became a little softer the horse began to obey and he was able to be done.

What followed was a series of discussions about how frustrated he was to be on a stubborn horse who wouldn't do anything he wanted it to do and how he is like that with me.  Then how Jake needs to use the Atonement to feel better about himself.  Confession is first, which he didn't want to do.  One has to be really humble to admit what they have done wrong.  He finally was able to express some really big feelings of shame and scared.  What came next was a really special time when Jake decided to give those sins and big feeling to Jesus Christ.  It was a spiritual experience that has only come to Jake and I a handful of times.  After this beautiful spiritual experience, he was so clear and happy.  I couldn't believe that my Jake was here!  I hadn't seen True Jake since July.

He immediately did the dishes in less than 10 minutes.  He helped his dad move in the rest of our things from the car.  He was constantly saying, "I feel so good!" "I can see the beautiful sunset!"   "I feel empathy for Sam when he is crying or hurt."  "I feel better when I can work and help the family." All of these statements were said as if it was the first time he had experienced them!

I talked with him about his "time in prison" because I knew that in this moment he was going to be honest with me.  He told me that he felt that his teacher at school was safe for him and that she just needed her to keep tight boundaries with him and not let him get away with anything so he could feel better.  I asked him about why he has been choosing to be bad for so long.  He said it's because he's afraid that he will mess it up.  I told him that he would.  That we all do.  That it is the reason Christ suffered for us.  The only way we can ever feel good in this life is to constantly use the Atonement to say you are sorry and also to become better than you were before.

It felt so good to talk with a rational Jake.  It was amazing to see the light in his eyes, the thinking that was going on, and the increased capacity to share and feel real feelings.  He was so smart and wonderful I loved being with him.

And then he was gone.  The next morning the REAL JAKE was gone.  He had done something with his newfound freedom and trust from us and he was gone.  That something was asking the babysitter if he could have a cookie.  STUPID.  That sent him into a spiral down to hell and despair.  It is hell for him.  He took something so stupid and let in Satan.  He didn't keep his guard up, he didn't listen to the Spirit and make good choices, but more importantly he let the adversary tell him how he should feel about doing something very small.  Jake let it feel as if it means that he is not worth feeling good ever again.

The tragedy of it all is that he won't come back easily.  Jake is gone and we are left with something else. We are left with a desperate child who is full of fear and a desperate need to control.  He is nasty and violent.  He is everything that Real Jake is not.  He is who we would all be without hope and faith.  It's so hard to watch a child implode.  Even the memory of how good he felt isn't enough to stop him from going deeper into his crazy, irrational mind.

Yesterday I cried.  I cried for the loss of my boy.  I cried for the loss of the hope that I have for him.  I guess that is evidence of my own lack of faith.  I have never experienced anything more difficult than this struggle with Jake.  It is truly a crucible.  I am constantly tested and, if I choose, purified.

It hurts but the reality is that I had a dream.  Funny how it's Martin Luther King's birthday today.  I had a dream, that I was on a rescue mission.  That is my reality today.  I have a mission to fulfill and I am struggling to do accomplish it.  This weekend I realize I HAVE a dream.  That one day my family will be complete.  That Jake and his sisters will be able to play in peace.  That Satan will have no place in our home, and that the Spirit of the Lord will be abundant!  I have a dream that one day Jake will choose to be happy.  That he will give up his fears, and let the Lord into his life.

I HAVE a dream...