My Relief

I am so glad to be able to share what we are going through in this blog.  I sometimes wonder if it's getting the word out, or if I'm just using it as a therapy tool for myself.  Either way, I know writing is serving it's purpose.
In the beginning when I first found out about RAD, I was so resistant to look further into it because it seemed so tragic.  I had so much guilt that I might have caused it, or that I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle what could have caused it.  Because RAD is trauma based, I was so resistant because our only trauma was a very sick pregnancy...
Most kids who are diagnosed with this are abused, neglected, or adopted.  But as I learn and associate with other RAD families, I see that any little trauma, even sickness within the first 3 years of life can be a cause for RAD.  So many of the symptoms are things that are just off the norm, or are more appropriate for younger kids.  The control and badgering are the most common.  The pure anger at times in Jake is so abnormal.  Also the persistent passive aggressive and "sneaky" behavior is normal for RAD kids.
Now on to the title of this entry, RELIEF.  When Jake was finally diagnosed by K. Max Park LMFT in American Fork I found myself oddly relieved.  I was so sad to find out that my first born son had a disorder, but became more and more relieved that I wasn't crazy!  All of his behaviors are very common among RAD kids.  Max seemed to know what Jake would do before he did it!  All of my irrational thoughts about Jake like, "He seems to WANT me to get really mad at him" and "He does the same wrong things over and over and NEVER learns!" and "Why does he have to control EVERYTHING" and "His behavior is just to get attention" and "Sure, he's so good FOR YOU and not for me" ALL of those things seemed to be the ranting of a frustrated mom and not rational thoughts.  But as I learned that all of these things were true symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder then I was finally vindicated and relieved that I really wasn't crazy and ranting, but my intuition was correct!!!
 Oh the joy, and at the same time the sadness for Jake.  Jake is currently healing from a very sad state of knowing no love or trust, he only knows control and attention (bad or good by the way).  I am willing to go through hard things to help him find a way to let our love in.  I have seen it happen 3 times so far.  Yes, I said SEEN it.  I have actually seen it in his eyes!  RAD kids have characteristically half opened eyes.  Their eyes are never fully opened, except when they look you in the eyes and lie.  This is a way for them to reflect that they aren't fully opened to life, love, and joy.   I have had a glimpse of Jake giving in, trusting, and letting himself feel and give love!  It was only for a moment but it was so very precious, precious enough for me to continue through the hard things to have more times of truly loving.  Someday if I endure and continue, Jake will be continually shown that he can trust me. I will be strong for him and be in charge so he doesn't have to be.  He will learn to open his heart, and I will be there to help him know the joy of love and trust.
It's so hard, but as I have said before, the only way I have strength to do it all is because I have faith in Jesus Christ and the enabling power of his Atonement.  In other words, God  gives me strength according to my faith that he will!  Thanks be to God, that I am not alone, that is my true relief.