Playing Dumb and Being Super Sneaky

New behavior: playing dumb and super sneaky.  I guess the super sneaky part is old hat, but the asking odd questions and acting dumb is new.  His whole life he has been the smartest, most astute child.  He never needed help with anything, just figured it out himself.  He was articulate and seemed to want to know and do everything.  I used to take pride in how smart he seemed to be.He was always the first to answer questions in class.  He really seemed to want to take everything in his world in and know about it all.  Being my first child, I thought that he was a genius!  He is, but only as a result of his hyper-vigilance.  Because of RAD, Jake feels that his only way to survive is through his own merit.  So naturally he feels a sense of urgency to know everything about everything so as to control and feel safer. (Plus, he loves the attention he gets for spewing his facts and brains at others.)  I say safer because he never felt truly safe, just a need to feel it because he never trusted me to help him be safe.  

The theory is that the trust cycle of need-cry-need filled by parents was broken with us while I was pregnant and very sick with Jake.  I help Jake by being EXTREMELY consistent with him and letting him know that I am in charge and he will still live.  His new behavior tests to see if I am paying attention.  He started "forgetting" how to lock and unlock the door.  Then asking silly questions that he knows the answer to.  He is acting as if he doesn't understand things he normally does. Jake also has started up with the stealing and sneaky behavior.  We have been giving him an inch of responsibility and he is running with it.  I asked him to go get on his pajamas upstairs and within the 3 minutes that he was there he stole packs of gum from the top of our closet.  While I was changing my baby's diaper he stole chocolates and hid them in his pillow case and for good measure hid some in his sister's too so she wouldn't tell. 

Most kids do this kind of thing as well, but Jake's motivation is completely different.  His frequency and lack of learning from consequences is what makes his behavior characteristic of RAD.  He does these things like speaking nonsense and stealing for the purpose of control and testing.  His need to control comes from an addiction-like state.  He tests me all the time because he doesn't trust me in any sense.  He will finally drop it all when he has tried EVERYTHING he can do to test me and I pass every time.  It will take years for us to reestablish trust with Jake, but until then I have to do all that I can and more to help him.  

I often speak of my reliance on the Lord to help me.  I cannot make it without divine help.  I have tried and failed so many times.  This week I have let myself slip just a little and it has made a huge impact on my ability to make it through the constant borage of testing and sneaking by Jake.  It has caused discouragement and sadness.  I almost feel that the pride cycle as read in the Book of Mormon is evident in my life.  I went through a time when I needed God and sought him out, then felt his help, then got lax in my seeking and praying and such and felt "I was doing a good job." But really I began to have pride in my own abilities, not giving true credit to God's enabling power.  That is when I subtly let other influences come into my life and now I'm discouraged, sad, quick to anger, frustrated, and a shell of myself.  It's because God is most unhappy with the ungrateful.  Just like Jake, I began to think that I was responsible for my strength.  No, all good things come from God, and that is who deserves the credit, not me.  Jake is trying to learn that his survival is a direct result of my giving him the things he needs.  This is a fundamental lesson we all need to learn!