Frustration and Progress

I haven't been writing as often lately because, thank goodness, I have found that God has blessed me with people to help me vent and share my life's struggles.  But I know that I have been commanded to share my journey to help myself and others.  I have been so frustrated with the reality that Jake has agency to chose his life's direction.  He is so young and so broken that he doesn't see that the things he is choosing are keeping him sad, afraid, lonely, angry, and stagnant.
      I wish I could just open up his head and pour in the light and love that we have for him.  He is so dark and just sad.  He doesn't grasp that when he chooses to be happy by obeying then he will feel GOOD!  I always like to describe his actions as if he was a addict, and addict to feeling crummy.  He purposefully tries to create problems for himself so that he can feel bad things even when things are going good for himself.  Now, please understand that this is why he isn't like other kids.  Other kids are learning about their world, and are testing to see where boundaries are and remembering them.  Jake is acutely aware of what he needs to do to have a great life full of fun and love and accomplishment, he is just too addicted to that awful feeling you get when you know you are disobeying.
      So, now that we are far enough in his therapy for him to choose, we now just have to ride the wave that is Jake's choices.  But we will be the same for him now and forever.  We will always love him with everything we have, we will always set rules and expectations, and we will always enforce the consequences with love and exactness.  He will know that we are going to be the same for him always!  That is the gift we are giving him, and boy is it HARD!  Imagine having to be completely calm when your child kicks a hole in the wall, screams how he hates you, and tries to hurt your other kids.  I have had to continually learn self mastery.  I am light years from where I used to be, but I continue to learn how to keep myself in check and know that the consequences will do all the teaching.  I can't yell, rant and rave to get my frustrations out.  It just fuels Jake's bad behavior for me to have an "adult tantrum." Man, it's so hard!  Sometimes all I want to do is scream, throw things, and kick something!  I guess in that way I can relate to Jake and help him learn how to get over that reactionary behavior.
      I have had to learn a new way by studying the scriptures and learning the nature of our Heavenly Father and how he parents his children on Earth.  He doesn't scream, rant, and rave.  He sets forth limits, and enforces the consequences with love and empathy.  Is it cruel for me to enforce the limits I set?  Or is it worse to set a limit then go back on what I said?  I know that in the scriptures when God sets commandments that they are absolute, no compromise.  He always provides a way to make up for it when we mess up, but we cannot escape the consequences of our actions.  He provided a Savior to provide us with mercy.  This concept helps us know that he is God.  Consistent, loving, trustworthy, honest, and the same forever.  Satan is the one who lies, rages, inures, and destroys.
      Jake is in the throws of a personal tutelage from the Lord.  He is learning how to trust and love parents when it doesn't come naturally, as we are learning how to trust and love our Heavenly Father who we can't see or touch, but have to have faith in Him.  It's an incredible journey, but we take it day by day.
      In all of this we are seeing some progress in Jake.  He is slowly getting to concept of consequence and reward.  He actions are connected to privileges and consequences.  It's now a waiting game to see what he will choose and ultimately stay with.