New Hole, Same Story

Yesterday started out fine.  Jake was pretty happy and didn't lose it too much.  He was trying so hard to be in control and pushing every limit.  He was his usual self as in he was very interested in having everyone's attention by showing them his incredible conversation skills.  He seemed fine with most of the limits I set for him, I guess by the end of the day it just proved to be too much for him to handle.
By the end of the night he had had it!  I was such an enormously rotten and cruel mother when I asked him to unload the dishes from the dishwasher (a regular chore he has in our home).  He started to moan and make little noises which earned him some extra exercises because he isn't allowed any manipulation anymore.  As usual he ended up in his room, and went out the window and ended up at my front door.  Because I didn't let him manipulate me by saying he needed to go to the bathroom, (which he did 15 minutes before) he raged in his room and kicked a hole through his wall.  This rage was so huge, he screamed the most primal screams and thrashed around, like usual but more intense.  I wish I could video the crazy places this kid will go if he can't have his control fixes.  That is why it is so important to his healing that we don't let him get his way and show him that we can't be trusted to be consistent with our actions no matter what his actions are.
I also learned after calling a couple of other RAD moms that we are lucky in some ways that Jake is so willing to show all of this anger so early.  Some of their kids would just hold it all in and then have eruptions of emotion but no progress for years.  He is called "disinhibited RAD" because most of his actions are very "in your face" rather than passive aggressive, although a lot of his actions are passive as well.  This version of RAD is healed faster than the "inhibited" version because those kids will hold it all in and have very little progress and very little true emotion comes out.
OK, disinhibited looks and feels so much worse to me than the other version, but I just have to hold on to the experience of our therapist and many other Awesome Moms of RAD kids to know that all of Jake's behaviors are progress.
We now have to board up his room to protect him from the exposed electrical wires and things in his wall, but also to help us not be so concerned with our house.  He needs to know that his actions are his problem and I need all the help I can get when it comes to his destruction.
I tell you, I'm so exhausted from all of this, and it will probably continue for the next couple of years.  Not to mention the enormous cost involved in his therapy.  Many other "awesome moms" of other RAD kids have their youngest with this diagnosis, but Jake is the oldest of my 4 biological kids.  My other kids' ages are 6, 3, and 9 months.  I am so tired.
But, as I think everyday that I can't do this, I am completely right.  I can't do it alone.  I need my Heavenly Father to help me.  I pray every day, all day that I can have the strength, energy, intellect, and discernment when it comes to my family.  I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband who holds the true priesthood of God to bless me and lead our family.  I know that the true gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored.  I know that Jesus Christ is the son of God and the savior of us all.  He stands on the right hand of God as a separate person of exalted flesh and blood.  How grateful I am to know the true nature of God the Father and Jesus Christ which helps me know how to get through this mortal life of trial and heartache.  I know that I am a literal spirit daughter of God and am created in his image.  I am here to learn how to be like him.  My parenting of Jake shows me the heartache God feels from his children who shut him out, will not obey, and have no knowledge of what true Godly love is and feels like.  I am in the middle of a tutelage by the Father.  I am learning so much and it really hurts.  But that is what growing is all about!