It's funny that I didn't even get to write about Jake's birthday within all the commotion of all his behavior. We didn't get to celebrate his birthday on Monday. As part of his strenuous discipline I had to forgo the birthday celebrations because of the new hole in my wall. His birthday money went to pay for the damage repair. I have looked forward to this time in Jake's life for his whole life, a day of choices and accomplishments and a time for eternal covenants.
I had always thought that this time in Jake's life would be so exciting and spiritual. This is the time when most LDS kids make a brave decision to get baptized. Jake is my first child and I have looked forward to this time in his life and ours that would be filled with joy and family and great spiritual growth for all of us. Since the diagnosis we have been concerned with his state of mind. His lack of cause and effect thinking and a lack of connection to anyone or anything made us step back and take a closer look as to how ready Jake could possibly be for this huge step. He won't even let himself feel of our love and care for him. In fact, he sabotages all of our efforts to give love and affection. After good days of making good memories and connection, Jake will act out as if he wants to justify why he doesn't deserve this treatment or that he isn't going to let it stay loving and happy.
So after much prayer and consultation with the Lord, we know that he isn't ready to have the responsibility of the covenant of baptism. We have anguished over it and have had to put aside our concerns about what the world would think of this and just act in faith according to what Heavenly Father would have us do. It's a much harder decision to delay this than to just let him go forward and appease others in our lives. For me it's a heartbreaking thing to delay such an important blessing in his life, but I have to realize that the Lord knows what is best for Jake. I have a huge testimony of the Holy Ghost and his power to touch our hearts and reveal truths to our hearts, but with Jake he has to be willing to receive anything into his heart for the Holy Ghost to influence him at all. That time is close and as we make progress we can see that the time for Jake's baptism is coming closer.
This week has been a sad one for me as I realize that I am not living the life I thought I would be living. My life will forever be changed and I will never have a "normal" family with normal mile stones. I have a life that has taken a much different road than I ever imagined. But through it all I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father, I have seen miracles through my faith in Him. I have a greater witness of His love and knowledge of each of us. He knows us as we know our children. I know that as long as I live with faith in Him and the atonement of Jesus Christ and not live in fear of the unknown then I am worthy for His blessings and miracles in my life. The scriptures tell us that it is given to all righteous people the power to defeat Satan. If I live worthily I can have to power over discouragement, sadness, helplessness, fear, anger, despair, doubt, and all of those things that keep me from winning this battle! With my faith in the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ I can do all that I am commanded to do. I am commanded to do what is best for Jake and that is what I am determined to do. I will win!
Nicole, I just finished reading this. I am emailing you an essay. I don't know if you've seen it before but I hope you love it as much as I do.
ReplyDeleteI came to your blog from "Watching the Waters" - thanks for sharing your experiences. We have an adopted son who has some mild RAD characteristics, though he has made a lot of progress over the five years. But we too made the decision to delay his baptism about six months - just didn't think he really had any idea what it meant. It's challenging to have a kid who just doesn't trust you - but hang in there. What you are doing matters so much!
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