The Pot

Wow, it's been a while, but I am still here.  I have realized this week that I have to be able to live in a world where someone is trying to sabotage all of the good in the house.  Our Jake is a constant reminder of the struggles that are here in this life.  He tries hard to be look good on the outside but on the inside he is actively choosing to bend the rules, test his boundaries, and get away with anything he can.  Aren't we all in this state once in a while?  This week it has been harder because the landscape of Jake's condition has changed from a reactionary and addictive disobedience and control, to it now being his choice to act this way.

Scary Love

With Jake it is always an adventure in Crazytown.  I have come to be able to detect what state of mind he is in.  Last week was a little harder, 'till it wasn't.  It was so weird, I would go down to get Jake up for the day and he would be standing right inside the door and scared me like those twins in the hallway in the movie "The Shining." He felt so creepy I jumped every time I saw him.  But he would still be okay with his behavior but just a little of enough for it to not feel right.

Losing My Mind!

I swear, when I was younger and single I used to scoff at those who seem to lack common sense, flake on people, and generally don't seem to know what is going on.  Now that is me!  I get it, it's all lessons I need to learn, because now all I do is make commitments and break them.  Not on purpose, just by lack of brain power.  That is probably why Jake is so successful at outsmarting me most of the time.

Big Comfy Old Sweater

Do any of you have a sweater that always makes you feel good when you put it on?  The kind that you would never wear out in public except on one of "those days."  I have a black wrap sweater that is my favorite.  It is so stretched out and is full of lint and stuff, but when I need it this sweater always does the job.  Others might look at this sweater and not think that it is as fashionable or even worth a penny to have, but I choose this sweater of all my sweaters when I am in need.  I can stretch it tight if I need to feel comfort, I can relax in it and it warms my arms and body nicely.
This is what I reached for tonight when my little boy decided to crash into a bad place tonight.

Letting the Camel's Nose in the Tent

One cold night, as an Arab sat in his tent, a camel gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. "Master," he said, "let me put my nose in your tent. It's cold and stormy out here." "By all means," said the Arab, "and welcome" as he turned over and went to sleep.

The Little Crap!

Oh yes, my little boy has done quite the crazy stuff this week.  I am trying to battle his "ping pong" emotions.  In the past Jake would be naughty and in his "fear brain" for extended periods of time and it took some working to get him to "shift" into being obedient and in his "trust brain".  Now he is flipping from one emotion to the next without provocation.

Playing Dumb and Being Super Sneaky

New behavior: playing dumb and super sneaky.  I guess the super sneaky part is old hat, but the asking odd questions and acting dumb is new.  His whole life he has been the smartest, most astute child.  He never needed help with anything, just figured it out himself.  He was articulate and seemed to want to know and do everything.  I used to take pride in how smart he seemed to be.

My Relief

I am so glad to be able to share what we are going through in this blog.  I sometimes wonder if it's getting the word out, or if I'm just using it as a therapy tool for myself.  Either way, I know writing is serving it's purpose.
In the beginning when I first found out about RAD, I was so resistant to look further into it because it seemed so tragic.  I had so much guilt that I might have caused it, or that I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle what could have caused it.  Because RAD is trauma based, I was so resistant because our only trauma was a very sick pregnancy...

Holland

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

Choices and Horses

Since my gratitude post was less than popular, I'll go again to Jake's unusual behavior.  This week we were able to go to horse therapy at Hoofbeats To Healing in Palmyra Utah.  Jake was so mad last Saturday he ran away three times, only did 75% of his jobs, and raged in front of a bunch of people.  He usually saves his rages for me. Then after having to restrain him in the barn he just shifted into compliance.  He later told me that he just decided to shift into his "trust brain" because he "just knew he wasn't going to win while being held"  HALLELUJAH!

Thanks...

This post is completely for gratitude.  I am grateful for all of the ways I have been prepared for this journey.  I am grateful for all for the trials that made me a stronger person.  I am grateful for struggles with family as I was growing up that kept me strong.  I see the purpose in all of the hard things in my life.

Jake's 8th Birthday

It's funny that I didn't even get to write about Jake's birthday within all the commotion of all his behavior.  We didn't get to celebrate his birthday on Monday.  As part of his strenuous discipline I had to forgo the birthday celebrations because of the new hole in my wall.  His birthday money went to pay for the damage repair. I have looked forward to this time in Jake's life for his whole life, a day of choices and accomplishments and a time for eternal covenants.

Up and Down, Down and Up

I have to say that this is a wild ride!  Two days ago was crazy insanity and broken houses.  Monday's attitude came as a big surprise.  Jake decided to be somewhat compliant.  WOW!  I had no idea

New Hole, Same Story

Yesterday started out fine.  Jake was pretty happy and didn't lose it too much.  He was trying so hard to be in control and pushing every limit.  He was his usual self as in he was very interested in having everyone's attention by showing them his incredible conversation skills.  He seemed fine with most of the limits I set for him, I guess by the end of the day it just proved to be too much for him to handle.

Worse behavior=Progress, so they say...

This week has been a huge challenge.  Jake has been very resistant to any instruction or compliance.  He ran away last night, (not far) but refused to be obedient in any way.  It's so very heart breaking when we got so close this weekend.

Near Misses and Window Wells

This weekend was interesting. Todd and I almost had breakthroughs with Jake on Sunday. Todd was able to talk with Jake about prayer and Jake's relationship with God. He also tried to help Jake understand that what he can work on is letting Todd and I into his heart, like a door. So after Jake had all the right answers with very little emotion, Todd realized that Jake wasn't ready.

Jake's symptoms

Here are some of the symptoms of RAD:

I will mark the ones that Jake displays most of the time and the ones that he doesn't. To be diagnosed with RAD a child only has to display half of the symptoms and have only one cause.

New School

So, Jake has started going to a therapeutic school for RAD kids called New Hope Academy in AF. I have struggled with the decision to pull him out of regular school because he is so difficult to be with all day long. He is constantly negotiating and arguing. He never does anything right the first time, even if it is something we have done before or if I had just explained it. The difference between him and other "normal" kids is that he is doing it to control me. This kid can remember things he wants to remember with incredible detail, so he is capable, but unwilling and defiant.

So I take him to this school and he is not allowed to get away with ANYTHING.

First Support Group Meeting

This was a much anticipated night for me. Friday night was so exciting to me to be with parents who understood. No one knows how bad the behavior of a RAD kid can get. He/she will save the worst stuff for their moms in the safety of their homes. I got to the home of the Beans and there were many parents there. One particular couple has two kids out of six biological children with RAD. It was such a relief for both them and me to be able to talk to each other as our situation was different than the other adoptive parents.

Other's Reactions

This has been the most interesting experience. To preface this post I have to say that there is not doubt that Jake has Reactive Attachment Disorder. I have consulted with 3 different therapist, and have now talked with other RAD kids' parents. Also it has been confirmed to me by Heavenly Father through much prayer and revelation that this is the right diagnosis.

I get all sorts of people trying to tell me that it can't be this, or that he is just that, or that they know my kid and how he behaves.

Harder to Deal with after a field trip

So Jake comes home after a day long field trip at school. For Jake this means that he is so hyped up, that he has been home for 30 minutes and already I have had to do go through the discipline rounds 4 times. This is why I contemplate keeping him home with me for half day. When he is with me I can be in control of his environment and keep him in check before he gets out of hand. He is so much more happier than before! He pushes it, but we are so much better off. Conference was a great reminder of how we should be doing things better and with the spirit of revelation. This way we can know how an all knowing God would handle this situation. I am so grateful for people who have been my angels on earth, and have helped me in this tough time. It's amazing how a note of concern can lift my spirit! Thanks to all who show their love!

General Conference... Is there any question the Lord knows us?

I love General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This semi-annual broadcast is where we get to hear the word of the prophets of God concerning our day. There had never been a better time for us to have revelation given to us by modern day prophets!

I have been stretching my brain trying to know what is best for Jake. I have struggled and struggled with feelings of doubt and inadequacy. If there is anything I have learned through the past few years of trials is that I have to be willing to give my will to the Lord for him to be able to trust me with his guidance. I know I'm getting all preachy, but this is what it is all about. I get to learn through all my struggles and burdens how to let God into my life. I get to learn how to apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ to enable me to do miraculous things! Our family is blessed with this trial, (yes, I said 'blessed') to help us become a more faithful family. We have to opportunity to learn and grow stronger as we rely on the one true God for guidance and inspiration. I am so blessed to know the true gospel of Jesus Christ and have personal revelation regarding my life and the life of my children. What a comfort knowing that if I do my very best to do what is right, that the angels will not be restrained from being my constant companions!

Many of the apostles have spoken today about learning and growing through revelation given by the Holy Ghost. The Spirit can testify of truth, comfort the soul, and lighten our burdens. I have experienced all of these. I needed to hear this council given to remind me that through all of this, I can receive strength and ability to make it! Jake can be healed! I know that God knows me and my needs. I can't deny that the instructions given by his apostles are from God. I just can't.

Friends and family training

So we had our family and friends meeting with our therapist last night.  It went alright except when the therapist explained the causes of RAD it came off that Jake just didn't have his needs met and was lacking in care and love in his first three years.  I was a little disappointed that he was so general instead of being specific about our case.  In our therapy sessions he has let us know that there are studies suggesting that illness and stress in a pregnant woman can effect the unborn child.  My illnesses when I was pregnant with Jake could have caused him to have RAD when he was born.   This is a more likely cause as all other causes are absent with Jake.

It was also very uncomfortable when others started to suggest that we needed to just be better parents and then he could have boundaries and feel our love better.  I had to clarify that we have been doing all that we could for many years, and that it has been enormously successful with our other children, but not Jake because he is fundamentally different then other children.  

It was quite embarrassing at times when others could not accept that this was a reality.  I know it's probably very hard for Jake's loved ones to accept this.  I was resistant to accept is for a year.  It's hard because I started to judge myself and try to see where did I go wrong?  What didn't I do for him?  The guilt has, at times, been too much for me.

I guess I should be able to expect that it would be hard for others to understand because Jake has been very different for them, as opposed to the behavior he shows us each day.

But as a whole the support has been tremendous!  Our friends and family have really stepped up and let us know that we have their full support.  I knew that I would have to deal with some uncertainty and some judgement when we got Jake's diagnosis because of the complexity of his disorder.  

I have to make it VERY clear that we have received confirmation from our Heavenly Father through a priesthood blessing that this is the right diagnosis, that we are on the right track, but that we have to seek revelation to know what is best as the research on this disorder is incomplete.  It was very clear instruction, and we are doing our very best to know what the Lord would have us do for Jake.  It's such a comfort to know that we can put our trust in a loving, and all knowing God to know what is best.  How thankful I am for prayer and faith, they are real power from God to us here on earth!

School or No school?

So Jake has been pretty good the past few days.  He has been pretty nice to be around.  We don't have our nightly arguments about staying in his room. We have had to put alarms on his door so that he doesn't have a chance to sneak out and play or get stuff and hide it away in his room.  He has been compliant with the "new regime" of not tolerance.  I almost feel like I'm being lulled into a sense of security.  I can still see his little tweaking of the rules and trying to be in control, but it's not half as bad as it used to be.  

I don't know how things are going at school.  He still doesn't have a lot of time with me when he is at school, (and it's been great for me) but I think he might need more time with me to heal our relationship so we can bond.  There is a private school for RAD kids that he can go to to more appreciate his regular elementary that he loves.  This school has a strict curriculum of obedience and no tolerance.  It sounds harsh, but it's really helping him to know that his days of manipulation have come to an end.  Jake will be able to experience that he can have a happy and safe life even with adults in control.  I just have to really find the right answer for him and for me.  I need time to recharge to be ready for this new way of dealing with him.  I have to be on my toes and willing to let consequences do the teaching. But, he needs to feel connected with me and not be allowed to manipulate.  It's so hard because all I want to do is scream, "Can't you just stop it?!!"  and "Snap out of it! We love you and you can stop acting this way!"  But I know that he is fundamentally backward in his thinking about the world and the people in it.  We have to help him connect with me so that he can feel safe and loved.  Right now he is just complying to try to get what he wants. 

 The hard work begins...

Church was as we expected!

So Todd and I took two cars to church knowing that somehow Jake was not going to get what he wanted and was going to push it.  We were right, he teased his sister.  Let me be clear, all kids tease, but with our therapy Jake isn't allowed to misbehave in anyway without having a consequence, (so there can be no manipulation).  So he had to sit on the end of the row by me.  I got him a coloring book and crayons, but he wanted a notebook and pencil, (a control thing).  So he lost it.  Mind you, this was all before the sacrament was passed. 

I had to carry my 7 year-old out of the chapel and into a room to do "strong sitting" (a discipline technique to help learn self control and total submission).  He would not do it for any amount of time, so he went home with Todd.  

I have realized that we have a very long road ahead of us.  He has to be able to trust us enough to give up control and feel safe at the same time.  When our babies are born they learn to trust and connect with us.  That is why a child is looked at in the scriptures as "submissive, meek, humble, and willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit... as a child doth submit to his father." Mosiah 3:19.  

As I go through this reconnecting with Jake I realize that it is the same process that we are going through in trying to reconnect with our Father in Heaven.  We have to go through a specific process to trust our Heavenly Father and be able to submit our will to His.  How hard is the process to get to that point?  All I know is that I need to find answers to this journey with Jake by studying the Lord's way of helping us reconnect and trust Him.  

If any of you have any insights I would love to hear it!

So the Police were called...

I have to laugh at this a little bit.  Laughter is all that I can do to make it through.  I wish I was just a bit funnier though.  Anyways this morning went exactly like I thought it would.  We has a therapy session last night where Jake disobeyed and then refused to do a few exercises for Mr. Max (our therapist) and we were there for 2 1/2 hours, (yep, still have to pay for that time while Jake runs down the street).  We talked about how he's a runner and what to do about it.  This morning I got to put our plan in action.  The policeman was supposed to put the fear of God in Jake, but instead he showed him his police SUV and the wicked police dog in the back and got a sticker!  Well, Jake figured out that if he runs away, he gets to ride in a police vehicle, pet a sweet awesome dog, run the sirens, and get a sticker.  I bet we will be seeing the police more often at our house!!  Neighbors beware, we will be having lots of action on our street!  (I really should have clarified "fear of God" to the officer) HAHA

Our Discovery...

This is my sweet boy Jake when he was little.  He is now closer to 8 years old, but this is how I like to remember him.  He was curious and full of fun and laughter.  

We have been having trouble with Jake for a very long time now.  I chalked it up to his fiery personality that matches his red hair, and my lack of patience and inability to be a "good mom".   After a few years of troubled schooling and trouble at home, we looked to help in a family therapist.  We were turned on to Parenting With Love and Logic as a way to "handle" parenting in a better way.  The therapist also asked us to look into Attachment Disorder for Jake.