Finding Purpose

Today I am trying a new approach.  I'm trying to see where the good is among all the junk that Jake's early trauma causes.
It's easy to see all the terrible things that this has brought to my family.  It's easy to count the money we have spent to try to help him.  It's easy to feel the stress and despair that comes.  It's harder to see the good that can come but here I go...

REPENT!!

It's amazing how Jake's journey parallels mine.  I have been trying to bring him down in the midst of this storm called elementary school.  I keep telling him to calm down and relax.  I want him to keep his faith strong and his fear at bay.  He knows that scripture reading and prayer bring the spirit, but he doesn't want to do it.  When he does he is so much better and way more calm.

The big question... Why can't I practice what I preach???

Hello Again

I realize that I have not written in 2 months.  It's amazing how I have learned that too much RAD can really wear on a person.

I mean REALLY wear on a person.

I have had a roller coaster of a summer.  It was SOO good in June and half of July.  Jake was AMAZING. I love it when people say, "Just don't expect perfection" they have no idea how good these kids can be if they choose.  Jake was perfect!  He obeyed right away, did everything I said, was loving and caring to his siblings, said sorry, was happy, he was quick to see others needs, empathetic, helpful, and a complete joy.  He was who he is underneath all the crap that he carries around. It was amazing.

Then he couldn't do it anymore.  He caught wind that we would be going back to regular school this year.

Control

I haven't written in a while because there hasn't been much to say.  I did a bad thing this week, I gave in.  I said, "Okay, Jake.  Let's fight!"

Happy Days are Here Again

Okay, my title is both true and false.  I have had the best days in my life with Jake but also some real adjustments as in the beginning of our treatments with him.  I am so grateful to all the therapists, trained respite providers, teachers and friends who helped us get to this point.  Most of all I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, the influence of his spirit, and the testimony building experiences that allowed Jake to choose the Lord and change his very being.

HOPE. It is so good!

These past few weeks have been heaven.  In my last post I mentioned that I had to put Jake in respite after he broke his window with his butt.  I remember telling my husband as we dropped him off that I felt that Jake could be done with all of this soon.  The feeling was strong but didn't make any sense.  All I had been told about this disorder is that it was a long, hard road to recovery.  It's been hard and has felt long, but relatively speaking we have only been in therapy for a short 9 months.

For where you treasure is, there will your heart be also Matt 6:21

This Mother's day was a hard.  Jake was in respite, and I missed him this time.  I was worried for him and how his heart was.  I was worried for him and the choices he would make. Church was good, we had a missionary give his talk before he leaves in a mission.  It was about how his mother gave him the strength to go and serve the Lord.  It reminded me of why I am doing all of this.  To help Jake establish a relationship with the Lord through his relationship with me.

Break Throughs...Literally

I'm back, I wasn't writing because things were good.  I know, it's equally important to share the good for the hope it brings, but I guess I just didn't need to vent by writing. Shame on me!  So, Saturday Jake put his butt through his window, (break through #1).  It was so lame and the reasons were so twisted.

"You're A Good Mom, Mommy!"

There was a time when I didn't think I would ever hear these words in my life.  I had always thought that I was the worst mom.  I was too angry, too impatient, and too tired to be a good mother.  I didn't think that I would ever have it in me to feel as if I was a good mom, until I got help for me and Jake.

Boundaries

This is a tough lesson to learn for most people, but incredibly important.  Setting boundaries for our troubled kids is essential.  They have to feel safe with very strict boundaries because traumatized kids will test them to the breaking point all the time, every time.  Most kids give up sooner and a parent doesn't have to remain so consistent for their children to get the point.

Remaining Strong Though Trials

I have been so blessed to have council from church leaders, friends, family, and the holy scriptures to help me know how to deal with trials in a healthy and progressive way.  Having a sick child is a huge trial.  There is many ways to react to such a trial.

Miracles and Crashes

In the past few weeks my son has been riding a roller-coaster.  He has been really good and also really afraid.  I want to write about the miracles that have happened in March.   A few weeks ago J got upset about something and didn't want to do his jumping jacks (which help his brain "reset") so I sent him to his room to calm down.  He went nuts, screaming through the door at me about how horrible I was, and how I should let him out.

I'm Back! (in more ways than one)

Hello, faithful readers.  I have been seriously neglecting this blog.  The reasons have been both negative and positive.  The negative reason is that I have been stressed out of my mind.  The positive is that Jake has been overall pretty good.  I have been coasting through life without actively nurturing my relationships and my self for a while.

Problems

So I haven't written in a while because I have been having problems being motivated.  Jake crashed last week.  It was very simple, we went to clean the church and I had an appointment so I had to leave.  During this time, my husband really wanted to get it done, so he let Jake go do jobs away from him so it would get done faster.  Problem?  With normal kids, not really.  Maybe you would get some distraction and slow work.  With Jake it totally freaked him out!  He immediately asked for gloves to work with, was told "no", so he stole some.  Logical, right?  Because he was "allowed" the opportunity to steal and talk to others, be distracted, not stay on task, and be in charge of himself, HE LOST IT!

He is Aware of Us

Elder Maxwell wrote in a talk in the October 2002 General Conference entitled "Encircled in the Arms of His Love"
"Regarding trials, including of our faith and patience, there are no exemptions—only variations (see Mosiah 23:21). These calisthenics are designed to increase our capacity for happiness and service. Yet the faithful will not be totally immune from the events on this planet. Thus the courageous attitudes of imperiled Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego are worthy of emulation. They knew that God could rescue them. “But if not,” they vowed, they would still serve God anyway (see Dan. 3:16–18). Similarly, keeping the unfashionable but imperative first and seventh commandments can reflect the courage which three young women displayed anciently; they said no with their lives (see Abr. 1:11).

Therefore, we can be troubled on every side, but nothing can really separate us from the love of Christ (see 2 Cor. 4:8; Rom. 8:35–39)"

Boring, but Good

I haven't been writing lately because Jake has been pretty good.  He's still holding on to his control but it's not as bad.  He's decided that it's worth it to behave so he can work toward earning privileges.  This is a huge step, most kids take a year to get to this point when they feel good enough about themselves to be able to reach to have good things in their life.

Faith

This week was really rough.  I was so super sick with some kind of cold that ached my body and mind.  I felt so alone and totally victimized.  I was alone trying to feel well enough to take care of 3 kids under 6 as well as my 8 year-old RADish.  He was okay, but also raging at times.  Jake was being his normal control freak, and wasn't letting me have an inch.  Mercy isn't in his vocab yet.

The Spiral of Guilt

We had two fabulous days Sunday and Monday when Jake came home from respite care.  He was compliant, happy, cheerful, trusting, and fun to be around.  His mind was clear and he was having a great time.  Tuesday he decided to get out of his room early to "go to the bathroom" which led to waking his 6 year old sister up and playing (worst rule to break in the house).  Playing with L is the worst thing he can do because he has not been good to L and it makes her feel unsafe.

Miracles do Happen!!

Today was one day's worth of what we are working so hard for!  After Jake broke his window we had to take emergency actions.  His room was completely unsafe and so was he.  We took him to another family who has a RAD child as well, and the mother is well versed in the proper care of these kids.  She was recommended by our therapist and was so great.

Oh, Discretion

I have learned a valuable lesson this week.  Discretion is a valuable thing.  There are people who have none, and badly need it.  There are those who think they have it, and don't.  We are those who didn't think we needed it, but do!  We are five months into this journey and I thought that the opposition and questioning from our family was over, OH was I wrong.  The saddest part is that they don't even know that their constant questioning and doubt is incredibly distracting and doesn't help in any way.

Broken Window

This has been a whopper of a week and I am just about done with this whole thing.   For those who don't have experience with a RAD child, it is the most heartbreaking, disturbing, relentless, awful, and soul destroying thing ever.  Imagine giving a child everything, sacrificing everything in your life to give to them and having them ooze hatred and spite for you. It's hard for people with healthy kids to imagine it, but that is my life with Jake.

Tuseday, Updated...

Ok, if you didn't read my last entry, go there and read it first.  I wrote that entry Tuesday morning.  This entry is to tell the rest of last Tuesday's story.  It's a good one, involving police!

Tuesdays

Tuesdays are pretty hard for me.  It is the weekday that Jake is at home with me.  They usually start uneventful, then by the end of the day we have had some huge catastrophe.  I will use last week as an example.  At mid day last week, my girls were at school and the baby was taking a nap so I took Jake to his room for "quiet time" so I could rest.  Jake immediately demanded entertainment.  This gives me the hint where his mind is.  So, naturally I could not oblige his requests as it is a control thing for him.

Frustration and Progress

I haven't been writing as often lately because, thank goodness, I have found that God has blessed me with people to help me vent and share my life's struggles.  But I know that I have been commanded to share my journey to help myself and others.  I have been so frustrated with the reality that Jake has agency to chose his life's direction.  He is so young and so broken that he doesn't see that the things he is choosing are keeping him sad, afraid, lonely, angry, and stagnant.

Happy Holidays? I survived

I'm back!  I feel as if I have let some of you readers down, (as if there are many) by not writing what we went through over the holidays.  It was so fun that I couldn't find the time to sit and write! NOT!  Really what was going on is that ever since Thanksgiving Jake has been on a really badmean streak.  He has been so nasty and so stubborn that we went into shelter mode and just shut down.